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There are days when everything feels a little too heavy. The response from a recruiter you’ve been waiting for after the first round of interviews, a friend canceling on you last minute, a rough tone someone used with you… and the list goes on. All of these moments leave you wondering: “Why me?”, “Where did I go wrong?”, “Why is this person like that?”, “Do they not like me?” and the mind just doesn’t stop.
If that sounds like you, please know that there’s nothing wrong with you. This doesn’t make you “too sensitive” or “overreacting.” You’re just human. In fact, your mind is doing exactly what it’s designed to do, it’s trying to protect you.
But this topic deserves our attention because sometimes, in trying to protect us, the mind ends up exhausting us. The good news is that this isn’t a flaw. It’s a pattern, and patterns can always be retrained. In this letter, I want to share how we can do that together.
Why Your Mind Looks for Problems
Let’s start with understanding why our mind works this way. Psychologists call it the “negativity bias”, which means our brain naturally focuses more on what’s wrong than on what’s right.
Dr. Rick Hanson, in his book Hardwiring Happiness, explains it simply: “The brain is like Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positive ones.”
This tendency once kept our ancestors safe from danger. But today, when the “danger” is often just a rejection email, a canceled plan, or a harsh tone, this instinct doesn’t serve us in the same way. So if you often find yourself overthinking or expecting the worst, the first step is to know that you’re not being dramatic. Your mind is simply wired to stay alert. Our goal isn’t to silence that instinct but to teach it that calm can be safe too.
How the Mind Shapes What You Feel
There’s a concept in psychology called “cognitive framing”. It means that the way we see situations defines how we feel about them. For instance, if someone cancels on you at the last minute, your mind can choose one of two stories: “Maybe they don’t value me” or “Maybe they just had a long day.” The story you choose decides your peace.
Over time, if you keep choosing the negative frame, your mind learns to search for problems automatically. That’s how an innocent situation begins to feel personal, not because it truly is, but because your mind is trying to protect you from disappointment before it even happens.
The way out isn’t to stop feeling. It’s to pause before assuming. That small pause gives you your power back.
Why Calm Feels Unfamiliar (and Why That’s Okay)
Many of us feel uneasy when everything is calm, as if something is bound to go wrong. If that resonates with you, please know it’s not a weakness. It’s simply your mind missing the rhythm of being busy, alert, or needed.
Spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle calls this the “pain-body”: the part of us that subconsciously feeds on emotional intensity. We’re so used to “managing things” at every step of life that peace starts to feel unnatural. But here’s what we need to remember: peace isn’t passive. It’s power without panic. It’s not about being unbothered; it’s about knowing when to breathe instead of battle.
What the Stoics Taught Us About Control
Centuries ago, the Stoic philosophers Marcus Aurelius, Epictetus, and Seneca beautifully explained that peace doesn’t come from controlling life. It comes from controlling our response to it.
Epictetus once said: “It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.” That’s what calm really means: choosing grace when chaos appears. You can’t stop the rain, but you can carry an umbrella. You can’t control someone’s actions, but you can control whether they stay in your mind rent-free.
Once you start focusing only on what you can actually change, life stops feeling like it’s always working against you.
My Thoughts on This
Over time, I’ve realized that life isn’t always something we can change, and that’s completely fine. Some things are simply meant to unfold as they do. I used to believe that if I thought long enough or worked hard enough, I could fix everything (and honestly, I still try sometimes). But I’ve learned that not every situation needs fixing; some simply need understanding.
When you face something that can’t be changed, there are really only two things you should be thinking of:
- Is this something overthinking will only drain my energy over?
If yes, give your mind a gentler story and move on. Your peace depends on what you choose to feed your mind.
- Is it important enough to truly need my attention?
If yes, find a way around it. And if there is something that genuinely requires your attention, stop asking “Why me?” and start asking “What now?”
Once you make this shift, your thoughts begin flowing toward solutions instead of problems. You stop replaying what went wrong and start focusing on what’s next. That’s when your life starts moving forward too.
How to Gently Reframe Your Mind
If you want to break the habit of seeing everything as a problem, start small. Here’s what helps:
- Pause before labeling
When something feels off, take a breath. Ask yourself if it’s really a problem, or just not what you expected.
- Respond, don’t react
Let the first wave of emotion settle. Most situations look different once you’ve calmed down.
- Shift your focus
Instead of asking “Why did this happen?”, ask “What can I do with this?” That one question changes the entire direction of your energy.
- Find your calm ritual
Whether it’s journaling, walking, or listening to soft music, find what recenters you and return to it often.
- Celebrate peaceful moments
When you catch yourself not reacting to something that used to upset you, pause and appreciate it. That’s growth.
As women, we often carry the weight of everyone’s emotions, expectations, and invisible lists. But true strength isn’t in carrying it all. It’s in knowing when to gently set it down. This doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to feel. It means you’re learning how to not lose yourself in the process.
A Thought to Leave You With
Not everything that feels uncomfortable is a problem. Some things are simply life, quietly teaching you patience, resilience, or detachment. The moment you stop dramatizing every turn, life won’t suddenly become perfect, but it will definitely become much peaceful.
With love, always,
Purva Gandhi 🤍
Founder, the BB Journal